What If? a Collection of Short Fiction by J. Paul Cooper Read online

  “Our children want you to be there when they graduate from university. I want to enjoy watching you play with our grandchildren. I don’t want to show them pictures and say that their grandfather died of heart disease or lung cancer.”

  The Professor didn’t reply. There was nothing he could say to improve the situation. After a moment of awkward silence, his wife turned to leave. “I have a class.”

  The probe was transported in a Thorzalene military vessel, with a stealth configuration. It wasn’t detected as it approached Earth and the ship’s captain reported that the probe was launched without incident. The first stage of the probe was about the size of a desktop printer.

  George Anderson waved at one of the Math professors as he walked across the university campus. “Hey Charlie, I’ve got a question for you.”

  The Math Professor raised an eyebrow and smiled. “I normally get paid to answer questions, but since you’re a friend, this one’s free.”

  “If you love greasy food and cigarettes, what are the chances of your wife deciding to go back to university, to become a Dietician?”

  The Math Professor laughed. “You shouldn’t be talking to me; you should be talking to someone in the Religious Studies Department.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because you’re cursed!”

  The second stage of the Thorzalene probe was launched after the first stage passed through the atmosphere. If any scientists saw the first stage explode in a ball of fire they would probably assumed it was a piece of space debris, super-heated as it passed through the atmosphere. It had been designed to self-destruct; leaving no traceable evidence that it had ever existed. The second stage of the probe continued flying towards the pre-programmed coordinates. It was about the size of a small bird.

  By the time George Anderson finished teaching his second Physics class of the afternoon, he decided to accept his fate. As soon as he returned to his office, he called the University Hospital.

  Carol had already talked to someone at the hospital. Professor Anderson was informed that arrangements had been made for his blood work and x-rays. He was also assured that no staff member at the hospital was willing to falsify the numbers on his cholesterol report, or switch the x-rays of his lungs with someone who had never smoked. The results would be available when he arrived home from the West coast science conference.

  Professor Anderson still had some paperwork to do before he went home, so he opened the office window and lit a cigarette. Smoking had been banned on university property several years earlier, but he wasn’t about to let the tree-huggers tell him what he could or could not do in his office. It was bad enough that he had to stand outside to have a smoke at home.

  Stage two of the Thorzalene probe disintegrated a thousand feet in the air as it approached the university campus. The final stage of the probe was the size of a fly. It flew directly to Professor George Anderson’s office.

  The Thorzalene scientists who designed the probe had decided to scan the university’s databases for maps and blueprints of the campus. The probe would be sent directly to Professor Anderson’s office. The Professor might have visitors in his office, so it was possible a student or another professor might be killed by mistake. It wasn’t a problem, because Theroxuim-Calide would leave no trace and it would appear his visitor died of a heart attack. If someone else was killed by mistake, they could always send another probe.

  Professor Anderson felt a slight pinch on the side of his neck and slapped the spot hard. He hated insect bites. It wasn’t the pain of the bite that he found so irritating, it was the itching that followed. The last thing he wanted were flies and mosquitoes in his office. He stood up to close the window, but sat down again when the room started to spin. The first thought that crossed his mind was that he might be dying. How may times had his wife warned him that the greasy food and cigarettes would kill him? Maybe she was right after all.

  He reached for his phone to dial 911, but pulled his hand back. If he ended up in the hospital, he wouldn’t be able to present his theory on light-speed travel at the science conference. Perhaps it was just a headache. He decided to sit down and rest a few minutes to see if he felt any better.

  Planetary President Irzak Sullar sat at the large oval table and looked at her cabinet ministers. “I just read the latest report on Professor Anderson, and apparently he’s teaching classes. Why is he still alive?”

  The Minister of Military Operations spoke first. “Our vessel delivered the probe to the exact coordinates and launched it without any complications.”

  The Minister of Science was just as quick to defend her department’s actions. “We entered the exact coordinates in the probe’s guidance system. All indications are that the probe delivered the Theroxium-Calide to Professor Anderson as planned. Special attention has been paid to the local media and we detected no reports of other professors or students dying.”

  Irzak Sullar stared at the Minister of Science. “Well, then, what went wrong?”

  The Minister of Science hesitated for a moment. She hadn’t thought of what she’s say if the Theroxium-Calide didn’t kill him with the first dose. “Earth and Thorzalene are two different planets, and out bodies are not exactly the same.”

  “Thank you for pointing that out to us,” replied the President. “Now, do you or do you not know what the Theroxium-Calide is doing to Professor Anderson?”

  The Minister of Science shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure. Perhaps humans have a natural resistance to the chemical.”

  The President put her hands on the table and leaned forward. “Perhaps! Is that all you can say? That wasn’t the answer I was looking for.”

  The President stared at the tabletop and fought to control her rising anger. “Send another probe and triple the dosage of Theroxium-Calide. I want him dead!”

  The Anderson’s daughter was away on a weekend ski trip and their son was at a friend’s house lifting weights. As he sat across the dining room table from his wife, George Anderson decided it was a good time to raise the subject.

  “You know Carol; I don’t think it’s necessary for me to get the blood work done or have x-rays taken of my lungs right now. It’s just that, I have so much to do to get ready for the science conference in Los Angeles. Perhaps I should get the tests done when I get home.”

  “Why don’t you just admit it George? You know that the tests will prove I’m right; you’re a walking time bomb. I bet that your cholesterol will be at least nine point oh.”

  “Well,” he replied, “I suppose I should have my blood checked for a different reason. I’ve been bitten twice by an insect that I didn’t recognize.”

  “Well, that proves it. You’ve eaten so many fries, that now even the insects can smell the grease coming through your pores.”

  “Very funny.”

  Carol leaned closer and looked directly in her husband’s eyes. “I’m serious. I want you to promise that you won’t find some last-minute excuse to avoid the tests. I’m really concerned about your health.”

  The Professor shrugged his shoulders. “OK, I’ll get the tests done tomorrow. But mark my words, my cholesterol levels and my lungs are just fine.”

  Carol slowly shook her head. She couldn’t believe her husband was convinced that nothing he was doing would hurt his health. “Let’s make it interesting. If your cholesterol level is higher than 6, and your lungs show the effects of that filthy habit of yours, you will start following a strict diet and give up smoking. But, if your cholesterol is lower than 6 and your lungs are fine, I’ll go to the restaurant of your choice and eat the same meal you’re having…in the smoking section.”

  The Professor smiled. “Get ready to eat the greasiest meal of your life.”

  His wife smiled back. “Not likely. Get ready to say hello to low-fat salad dressing and good-bye to your cancer sticks”

  George Anderson wasn’t sure what the tests would prove, but lately he’d feeling better that he had in years. Perhaps it was
it was because he was excited about going to the conference. It was amazing how good the combination of caffeine and adrenaline could make you feel.

  It was late in the afternoon when the Thorzalene Minister of Science was called to the President’s office. Normally the President would ask the Minister to sit down, but today she just let her stand in front of the desk. “Our scanners picked up a message stating that Professor Anderson has cancelled classes for two days.”

  The Minister of Science sighed with relief. He was finally dying. “Well, I guess the Professor can’t be feeling very well, if he has to cancel classes. Apparently the human body just has a higher resistance to the effects of Theroxium-Calide; but it is killing him. He’s as good as dead.”

  The President stood up, and walked around her desk. She stood so close to the Minister of Science, that she could feel the President’s breath on her face. “Professor Anderson didn’t cancel classes because of illness; he cancelled the classes because he’s travelling to the science conference to present his theory on light-speed travel!”

  Irzak Sullar turned and walked over to a large window. “A hospital has scheduled a series of health tests for Professor Anderson before he leaves for the conference. At least we’ll have a better idea what effect Theroxium-Calide has on humans.”

  “Should I send another probe with Theroxium-Calide?”

  “Yes, if you think it will do any good.”

  Professor Anderson had a bad habit of forgetting what time it was and rushing to get to classes. That was normal for him. But something had changed; he wasn’t breathing heavily after running across the campus. It made no sense at all. Since he was still eating junk food and smoking, why was his health improving?

  He’d been bitten by one of those pesky little insects again. He didn’t feel sick, but he was worried him was how often he was going to the bathroom. He wasn’t an expert on tropical diseases, but he knew diarrhoea could be one of the symptoms. He didn’t live anywhere near a tropical climate, but they could have arrived in crate of bananas or something.

  President Irzak Sullar arranged for the results of Professor Anderson’s tests to be translated and delivered to her computer as soon as possible. She stared at the results in disbelief. Moments later she started using language that shocked her assistants. They moved quickly out of her way when she stormed out of her office. They had never seen the President so angry before, and they were sure someone was going to be either demoted or killed.

  A few minutes later she pushed aside a surprised receptionist and walked into the Minister of Science’s office. She slammed the door shut behind her. “Theroxium-Calide doesn’t kill humans, it flushes the impurities of out of their internal organs. We’ve made him healthier! The human we were trying to kill, is going to live longer!”

  The Minister tried to think of something to say. “Well, we can still use a signal to destroy the data on his computers.”

  “What’s the point? At this very moment, the planet’s top scientists are listening to his presentation on light-speed travel, and there’s nothing we can do about it!”

  “Do you want my resignation?”

  “No, you’re a high-profile official. Someone at the Trade Commission might become curious about why you suddenly resigned and start asking questions. They might discover that we tried to kill Professor Anderson.”

  “But that’s only one human out of the entire planet’s population.”

  “I know, but Trade-Commission will make it a big issue if they find out. They won’t understand.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “We’re going to lie, that’s what we’re going to do. First we’ll pretend we just discovered that there’s intelligent life on Earth. Then, we’ll pretend we’re shocked that the humans have discovered The Light-Speed Equation. And finally, we’ll pretend we’re thrilled to have them as new trading partners.”

  George Anderson sat in the passenger seat as his wife Carol drove him back from the airport. “I was scared to death. There were hundreds of the world’s top scientists at the conference, and my presentation on light-speed travel was well attended. I’m sure many of the scientists just went out of curiosity, but when I was finished, I got a standing ovation. I was still answering questions three hours after I finished my presentation.”

  When they stopped at a red light, Carol leaned over and kissed his cheek. “That’s amazing. When you called, you said that you were going to a meeting with government officials. How did that go?”

  “Well, I’ll definitely be working with our government and they’re meeting with the Americans. There’s going to be a joint project. We could never afford to build a light-speed vessel on our own. It will put the British in an awkward position, because they’ll have to decide whether they are going to work with the Europeans or join with us. Apparently I’ve convinced scientists from several countries that light-speed travel is possible and it’s going to create a lot of competition. Before I left, the Russian and Chinese delegates had a private meeting, and I’d bet it wasn’t about the price of rice or vodka.”

  “Are you scared you might have started a new cold war?”

  “I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about what might happen. It’s inevitable that every new technology will be misused by someone. Jet aircraft carry families on vacations and deliver food supplies to starving nations. They are also used to drop bombs on innocent people. Countries that believe in democracy and freedom use jet aircraft, and so do countries ruled by tyrants. I can’t change human nature.”

  “You’ve been talking about your theory on light-speed travel for a long time. Are you sure this is really happening?”

  Professor Anderson opened up a briefcase filled with business cards from government representatives, company executives and scientists. “Yeah, it’s really happening.”

  As they travelled across the city, George Anderson remembered the bet they’d made. “So, what were my test results like?”

  Carol smiled. “I haven’t opened the envelope yet. I was hoping to see the look on your face when you say good-bye to greasy food and cigarettes.”

  Carol Anderson parked the car near two restaurants. One restaurant served vegetarian meals and smoking wasn’t allowed. The other restaurant was the Professor’s favourite greasy spoon. She pointed at the glove compartment. “The envelope please.”

  The Professor opened the glove compartment and handed the envelope to his wife. He felt unnerved by the smile on her face. He was already beginning to mourn the loss of his favourite foods.

  Carol stared silently for a moment after she opened the enveloped, then looked at her husband. “These result can’t be right.”

  When the Professor read the results, even he was surprised by what he saw. His cholesterol was only 3.0 and his lungs were fine.”

  “You’re going to have to take those tests again George. There’s no way those results are accurate.”

  Professor Anderson was grinning from ear to ear. “The question right now isn’t whether or not the results are accurate, the question is, what are we going to have for lunch?”

  Professor George Anderson and his wife followed Francine through the glass doors that separated the two sections of the restaurant and entered the smoking area. When they were seated, the Professor ordered a steak sandwich with fries, a large order of onion rings, and real coffee. For dessert he ordered a slice of cheesecake with chocolate syrup and two scoops of ice cream. As the Professor lit his first cigarette, Francine turned to Mrs. Anderson, straining to suppress a smile.

  “And what would you like to order?”

  Carol glared at her husband, practically choking on her words. “I’ll have the same.”

  President Irzak Sullar started at the Minister of Science. She didn’t expect good news from any of her cabinet ministers, especially the Minister of Science. “How many planets did you say are capable of producing Theroxium-Calide?”

  The Minister of Science looked at her data pad again,
just to make sure she had her facts straight. “We are the only planet that still has facilities capable of producing Theroxium-Calide.”

  The President considered the possibilities. “The production of Theroxium-Calide was banned, but this is different. Even the Trade Commission won’t oppose its production for medical purposes. We’ll just have to come up with some explanation of how we found out it doesn’t kill humans, but actually makes them healthier. Perhaps we’ll say someone opposed to Earth joining the Trade Commission tried to poison an Earth ambassador and was caught in the act. It could be arranged.”

  The Minister of Science sat down in a chair by the President’s desk and leaned closer, lowering her voice. “Of course, since we’re the only supplier, we’ll be able to charge extremely high prices and the humans will think we’re taking advantage of them. The humans will hate us, but we’ll make a profit.”

  President Irzak Sullar stood and walked over to the window, watching the busy traffic in the streets below. She smiled and her shoulders relaxed. “The humans will hate us, but we’ll make a profit. I can live with that.”

  How Jason and George Saved the Earth

  The comet would forever be known as the McKelly Comet in honour of the professor who discovered it entering our solar system. No one was sure whether it had passed though our portion of the universe before. Perhaps it followed a trajectory that only brought it through our solar system every ten thousand years. If that was the case, its last visit wouldn’t have been recorded, except perhaps on the wall of an undiscovered cave.